What’s wrong with single women in their 30s?

Waiting for my meal at a lunch bar in Groningen, I find myself smiling at the thought of the gripping work project I am rounding off and the so awaited power yoga class tonight. I barely notice the stranger standing by my side, a big smile on his untried face. “What’s your name?” he asks me and follows up with “How old are you?” Caught off guard, I almost retort, “It is none of your business!” Yet, remembering the power of restraint, I decide to brush it off, “I am 33.” His jaw drops, “So, you are married with kids?”

I will be 34 soon, and I am single. Horrible! Is it?

I am single, I am childless, and I will turn 34 in May: a prospect sure to make many women furrow their brows.

Personally, I love not being in an unhealthy relationship/marriage with someone who is incompatible with me.

However, every time I talk with my mother or girlfriends, I have to bear the “Are you dating anyone?” accompanied by pity stretching across their faces when I say “No.”

I would love to talk about my business, the copywriting training I have completed, the new running goals I have set, my yoga and meditation practice, the Krav Maga classes I take, the writing meet-up I organize, the books I am reading, the new meals I whip up every week, and the nature areas I explore with my walking group.

However, this doesn’t take such a precedence in our conversations because it seems that I should validate myself through the presence of a man in my personal life.

The social mirror reflects an unspoken reproach that something is wrong with me and that I should date anyone because this is normal.

The truth is that dealing with the pressure to start a relationship and not be “so picky” drains me more than turning down men with whom I don’t feel any emotional connection whatsoever.

Conversations about my singleness call to mind Mary, the protagonist of the incredibly poignant “The Grass is Singing” by Doris Lessing, and her psychological disintegration after marrying the first guy who showed the slightest interest in her. The grossly unsuitable marriage between two people who should have stayed single but didn’t because of the social pressure to conform is engraved on my mind.

“She was so satisfied with her work, where she felt sufficient and capable; with her friends, whom she relied on, with her life at the Club, which was as pleasant and as gregarious as being in a giant twittering aviary, where there was always the excitement of other people’s engagements and weddings. […] But all women become conscious, sooner or later, of that impalpable but steel-strong pressure to get married, or the things people imply. […]”

– Why doesn’t she marry? She must have had plenty of chances.

There was a dry chuckle.

– I don’t think so. My husband was keen on her himself once, but he thinks she will never marry. She just isn’t like that, isn’t like that at all. Something missing somewhere.

“The Grass is Singing” by Doris Lessing

Do people consider a single woman in her 30s a threat or an object of pity? I don’t care. And so should you. You—and only you—decide what is right for you.

What is actually wrong with single women in their 30s

We aren’t thinking our thoughts. We are thinking society’s thoughts.

A cold-blooded go-getter, a spinster, a goofy cat lady, a woman who is lacking—there isn’t a shortage of labels society puts on us to shame us, make us deviant, and pinpoint we are somehow defective.

In China, educated and unmarried women by the age of 27 are called “Sheng-nu”, leftover women¹. In Japan, unmarried women over 25 are likened to “Christmas cakes”, a reference to pastries that can’t be sold after December 25². In US media texts, single women are portrayed as “illegible” in social encounters due to their “instability” ³.

Recently, an acquaintance of mine had a date with a man who had said that single women in their 30s “either have emotional baggage or are kind of crazy”. Consequently, he had asked her which one she was.

The patriarchy’s fist and its shadow on women today

If we dig into history, we will find an answer to What is wrong with us?

(Un)conscious stereotypes have deeply entrenched roots in human civilization. Patriarchy—upholding that women are inferior to men—imposes strict duties, attitudes, and gender roles on a woman from infancy⁴.

Historically, men’s main responsibility was financial stability, professional training, and travel. Even unmarried men retained those opportunities, including the ability to rent private lodgings.

Women, on the other hand, existed with the sole purpose to be chosen by a man as a homemaker and a mother. That goal determined how they dressed, spoke, and behaved, the skills they were—and weren’t—allowed to learn, and even when they were permitted to leave their home⁵.

The philosopher Aristotle labeled a woman “a mutilated male”, someone who doesn’t have a soul. In his view, the biological inferiority of a woman makes her inferior in her ability to reason and to make decisions⁶. In modern psychology, Sigmund Freud stated that a normal human was male⁷. According to him, a woman’s sense of inferiority stemmed from “penis envy.”

In fact, “the wishes to be a man may be the expression of a wish for all those qualities or privileges which in our culture are regarded as masculine, such as strength, courage, independence, success, sexual freedom, right to choose a partner.⁸”

The gender role chains on women

Patriarchy has set rigid gender roles based on biological sex, with the woman’s role relegated to domestic labor and procreator⁹. In many developing and developed societies, “a woman is considered a complete individual only when she becomes a mother¹⁰.”

The attached behavioral expectations are that a woman is dependent, subservient, and catering to men’s desires and needs. Moreover, a woman is perceived as a commodity to serve men. The belief that she is someone else’s property gets reemphasized at every step of her life¹¹. Institutions such as education, religion, and the family justify and reinforce women’s subordination to men¹².

In the past, sane women were diagnosed with insanity if they didn’t conform to social conventions¹³.

Consider for a moment how from an early age we are taught to be obedient so that we get the approval of our parents, teachers, and siblings. We learn to focus on what the authority says is right. We learn to focus on how we are being judged. Is it surprising that we grow into adults who crave social validation and lose ourselves in what others expect from us?

The repertoire that we should be married (or in a committed relationship) and start a family soon— because our biological clock is ticking—is a smokescreen to control us.

As marriage and parenthood are imposed on us as a core life goal, the inability to find a partner and procreate can be extremely detrimental to our psychological well-being, leading to high levels of anxiety, depression, lack of coherence and meaning in life, and social isolation¹⁴.

Without a doubt, women in some countries have more rights than 50 years ago. But the patriarchy’s venom is in our collective DNA.

Being accommodating so that we attract and keep a man

Telling other women Don’t be so picky, lower your standards

Not demanding what we deserve and submitting to what we get

is in our nature now.

When women try so hard to hit the perfect life timeline

We unconsciously internalize gender roles and patriarchal values, getting into the trap of judging and fearing our wisdom of what is right for us. Consequently, we settle for relationships that don’t align with our values and needs.

Settling for less

Why do you want a romantic relationship?

Is it because you emotionally connect with a man who wants to connect with you? Or because you don’t want to lag behind your girlfriends? To make your parents happy? To have children? To get a steady stream of sex? To avoid loneliness?

According to Rosa Francken, a relationship and personal coach, a woman needs to recognize and communicate her needs unless she wants to settle for less. If you ignore yourself for the sake of peace, if your partner doesn’t support you emotionally, and if communication is difficult because one partner lacks self-awareness, you are settling for less.

“Self-love plays a vital role. And it starts with identifying your needs. What gives you energy in this relationship? What is the balance of giving and receiving? Many women have long placed men on a pedestal—and may still do so. If you are part of an equal partnership, it is easier to say No. It is also crucial to strengthen your communication, be aware of your own behavior, and take steps to increase your value,” she says.

Overstepping your boundaries

Setting boundaries is the cornerstone of deep, healthy intimacy not only in the early dating stages but also when the relationship starts to evolve_^15,16,17,18. Moreover, they provide the so needed reality check to help you weed out men who don’t deserve your precious time, efforts, energy, and trust.

Will you do anything to get—and keep—a man?

• Do you say Yes when you mean No?

• Do you feel guilty or selfish when you say No to him?

• Do you allow physical intimacy when you don’t want it?

• Do you avoid communicating your emotional needs to him?

• Do you complain about your intimacy challenges to others instead of solving them with him?

You are allowed to feel what is right for you and communicate it to a man. When dating, express which steps feel comfortable at that moment.

In a relationship/marriage, it is essential for both partners to understand and agree on what is acceptable and appropriate.

Rosa Francken

Francken recounts examples from her practice where women setting boundaries improved their romantic relationship/marriage:

• A woman felt that her partner spending a whole day with another woman—who had shown she was interested in him—crossed boundaries. They agreed that in the future he would meet her only in group settings. He liked the other woman but it wasn’t important for him to meet her one-on-one.

• A woman’s spouse started arriving home later in the evenings. She asked him to indicate if he would be back later than 11:00 so that she could decide whether to wait for him to end the evening together. Since then, he has been communicating more clearly if he would be late.

• A man often traveled for work, and his partner didn’t like it especially because he communicated less or not at all when he was away. She expressed her need for communication and asked him to shorten his work trips. He realized he also enjoyed staying in touch, and they felt more connected even during his business trips.

My message to single women in their 30s

I dream of a world in which all women—despite age, social status, and culture— are attuned to their needs, aren’t afraid to ask for what they deserve, and dare to do what they want—not what is expected from them.

The following practices have helped me emerge from my sheltered but restricted cocoon and spread my wings, living a life on my own terms. I hope they will help you find the missing piece in your puzzle to pursue your own definitions of happiness and success, so you can grow with confidence.

Change the story in your head

You talk more to yourself than to anyone else. Is your self-talk predominantly negative or positive? Do you tell yourself “All super-boyfriends are off the market”, “The longer I wait for Mr. Right, the smaller the chances I will find him,” or “I am on the leftovers territory”?

Whatever you frequently think, becomes the inclination of your mind. The more you are in those thoughts, the more you are living in an idea that perpetuates the very behaviors that confirm your beliefs.

For example, your thoughts tell you that you will never find a partner. You feel shame, fear, and hopelessness resulting in behaviors that shut you down, which reaffirm your thoughts that you will never find a partner. Your thoughts can sustain this vicious cycle; your thoughts can also paint your picture of success and fulfillment.

Life isn’t a box-ticking exercise. Why don’t you rethink what success, stripped of achievements and relationship milestones, means to you?

Personally, I want to be satisfied with what I do for a living, how I treat others, how emotionally and financially independent I am, how I help and give to others, and how connected I am with myself and my needs.

What about you?

• When do you feel most alive and authentic?

• How do you want to contribute to society?

• What does a balanced and fulfilling life look like for you?

• What fears are holding you back from pursuing your true passion(s)?

• How are you prioritizing your physical, mental, and emotional health?

Get a life

If you can’t be happy by yourself, why do you expect to be happy with a man?

In “How to be an adult in relationships: the five keys to mindful loving,” David Richo writes that a person should get 25% of their needs met by a romantic partner. The rest comes from hobbies, friends, sport, family, spirituality, volunteering, career, and life goals.

A man should enhance your life—not be the center of it. Build your life around other facets that matter to you—health, family, people who bring the best in you, career, creativity, altruism, hobbies, home. You can’t cultivate strength, love, and joy in a relationship unless you cultivate them inside yourself first.

Look inwards

“Be at least as interested in what goes on inside you as what happens outside. If you get the inside right, the outside will fall into place¹⁹.” It is truly liberating when you relearn to connect with what is alive inside you. What are you feeling? What do you need? How can you get your needs met²⁰?

You need to know and understand yourself before you expect from anyone else to know and understand you.

There is no one-size-fits-all blueprint for embarking on a self-awareness journey. My metamorphosis was possible thanks to daily meditation, yoga and mindfulness, journaling, and books on nonviolent communication and Buddhism. Women I know have undergone positive transformations thanks to therapy and counseling. Discover what practices suit you.

However, no matter what you choose to do, take action. Develop your self-awareness. Only in this way, when you meet Prince Charming—if you want to meet him at all—you will know that the “happily ever after” isn’t about you putting all the pressure on him to make your relationship meet expectations that don’t match reality.

Moreover, self-awareness will help you recognize when a relationship isn’t serving your long-term fulfillment anymore:

• Do I enjoy being with this man?

• Does he add to my worth or does he drain me of my worth?

• How do I really feel about being single?

Conclusion

Contrary to widespread slur, nothing is wrong with single women in their 30s. Sadly, we are stigmatized because we live in a society where deeply entrenched patriarchal norms are subverting our freedom. In reality, there is no timeline for meeting the person with whom you will have a real emotional connection and shared values—if you want to meet him at all.

By shifting the focus from external validation to internal fulfillment, we can reclaim our power and live on our own terms. I believe the key to breaking the chains lies in changing the story in your head, developing self-awareness, and creating a life meaningful for you, independent of your relationship status.

How are you going to empower yourself—or a woman you know—today? I am curious! Let me know in the comments.

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Note: While the impact on males and people of any gender is equally vital to understand and address, I have chosen to discuss the impact on cisgender women.

Note II: I refer to a single woman as not engaged in a long-term monogamous relationship or marriage.

Featured image: Zhenny-zhenny

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Sources

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