Andriana BoyrikovaI know a lot of smart, hard-working, persevering women; strong, independent, superwomen; kind, compassionate, caring women; overapologetic, self-effacing, accommodating women; overworked, chronically fatigued, irritable women. But relaxed women? Grounded women? Women at peace with themselves? Women who make time for rest and pleasure without feeling guilty? I don’t know such women. But I want to become one.
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Recently, I went on a yoga retreat on Gran Canaria as I felt the pressing need to come to peace with myself after a difficult year. I decided to listen to what my emotions and body were trying to tell me, and I am grateful I did. The experience not only helped me distance myself from my life and put everything into perspective but also empowered me to create a role model to inspire me and bring me up when life gets overwhelming.
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Staring at the ocean, waves sloshing against the shore, I waited in front of the yoga studio. What a dream day: running on the beach in the morning, having brunch on the beach, staring at the ocean for hours, enjoying a mouth-watering sangria and tapas with a cool bunch of people, and now waiting to take my first yoga class on Gran Canaria! I was full of bliss and gratitude that I was here and could experience and feel all this.
I glanced at my phone: five minutes before eight. The yoga studio was still closed and no one seemed to be coming along. I must be at the wrong address (so typical of me), or perhaps I had overlooked the starting time?
Gradually, the nagging voices of my worries woke up, uninvited. What was I even doing here? I have so many problems in my life I need to solve. I have so many things I need to do. I lost myself in the storm of my mind.
Then I saw her. She was flowing in the air. Peace, freedom, and joy emanating from her eyes, smile, the way she walked and talked. She opened the yoga studio and let me in, waves of her calm, joy, and centeredness pulling me in like a magnet.
Her light and playful energy drew me throughout the class and all the way back to my hostel room where I kept thinking about the way it had made me feel.
Why isn’t there an archetype of a relaxed woman?
Hours of contemplating had passed and I still couldn’t think of a relaxed woman I knew.
Why isn’t there an archetype of a relaxed woman? Why do we (women) rarely allow ourselves to experience deep pleasure, fully feel beautiful emotions like love, wonder, and awe, and immerse ourselves in activities that delight us?
- Why do women try to juggle it all and don’t accept it as normal to make time for relaxation and pleasure?
- Why do we feel we need to get on the verge of burnout (due to long working hours, running a business, and taking care of the family) before we get a moment for ourselves?
- Why do we experience relaxation-induced anxiety or guilt when we finally slow down?
Because this is how we have been raised and what is expected from us. To define our worth by how productive we are and by taking care of children, the elderly, whole families, and communities: these are the gender norms that the patriarchal society ingrains in women from an early age.
It isn’t until we are mentally and physically burned out that we come to realize how detrimental the social pressure is: to perform, to be a “good mother” and caregiver, to do housework, to be successful at work, to be physically attractive, to look, act, and think in a certain way.
According to an analysis from the workplace-culture consultancy a Great Place to Work, there is a 28% greater chance that working mothers will experience burnout than working fathers due to unequal demands of home and work. A Perceptions survey conducted by Statistics Netherlands in 2021 revealed that almost half of girls between 12 and 24 years old in the Netherlands regularly or frequently feel pressure to perform compared with a much lower proportion among boys: 3 in 10.
The woman I want to be
On that day, after that yoga class, and meeting that yoga instructor, I made a promise to myself:
- When I look at the mirror, I DON’T want to see the reflection of an exhausted woman who is always keeping herself busy and beating herself up for carving out time for relaxation and fun;
- I DON’T want to see the reflection of a stressed woman who is always thinking about what she has to do next and measuring her days by how many tasks she has crossed off her to-do lists;
- I DON’T want to see the reflection of a woman who tries to serve everyone else’s needs before she looks inward and takes care of her own needs.
I want to see the reflection of another woman:
- She isn’t afraid, guilty, or ashamed to take care of herself.
- She is grounded and keeps her cool no matter what life throws at her.
- She allows herself enough time for rest, play, and fun not because she has deserved it but because it is a normal thing to do.
- She trusts her intuition and lives without any regrets.
- She pauses when she feels overwhelmed with life.
- She lives up to her values and knows that true peace and fulfilment don’t come from external success and/or materialistic achievements.
Don’t get me wrong. I can’t allow myself to simply relax and do nothing all day long because I—just like you—have financial and other commitments. However, I can embrace a different outlook on life and instead of letting stress, the daily grind—and life as a whole—drag me down, I can choose to laugh more, hug someone I love, and weave in tiny rest and pleasure rituals into my busy life.
So, for example, I can go for a walk in nature; make homemade cappuccino; light candles, put on snuggly socks, and read a book; tell myself, “There is no rush”; close my laptop and put my phone in airplane mode for a day; sit in a comfy nook in the library and write whatever I feel like (no work-related stuff); go for a run; or take a sweaty yoga class. Basically, anything that makes me calm, fills me with joy, and reminds me that I am worthy of rest, fun, and freedom.
- And if this means telling a friend I can’t meet them because I need time to rest: this is okay.
- And if this means disappointing my family because I won’t visit them: this is okay.
- And if this means asking a colleague to reschedule a work appointment, so I can leave work in time: this is okay.
- And if this means telling a client or a manager that I am overwhelmed and won’t take more work: this is okay.
- And if this means asking a spouse to take his child(ren) out in the afternoon, so I can have some rest at home: this is okay.
One important lesson I have learned in my life journey is that the people who truly care for me will understand I need time to rest and will respect that. It is I who needs to trust myself more about how I am feeling and when I need to take rest, honoring my needs.
Do you want to be a relaxed woman?
Relaxation is a skill that you can learn1 just like cooking, skiing, climbing, and learning a foreign language. Yet, like with acquiring any other skill, you need to put in a great amount of work and practice.
The truth is, we are never going to reach the moment when we think, “Okay, I have achieved enough. Now I can relax.” This is why we need to learn to relax on the way to pursuing our goals, taking care of our loved ones, and keeping our commitments.
You can start by writing down the answers to the following questions: and take your time, there is no rush 🙂 .
- What are three of my core values?
- What are three things I do for fun?
- What are three ways I rest?
- What are three people or groups of people I enjoy spending time with?
- What are three ways you take care of my physical, mental, and spiritual health?
- What are three boundaries I have?
- What are three goals I have for the next six months?
And now, schedule daily guilt-free pleasure time to do one tiny thing that truly nourishes you. If an hour a day seems unrealistic, you can devote 30 minutes to something that brings you absolute joy. Simply experience life without thinking about your endless to-do lists: play your favorite tunes and dance, paint your nails while listening to uplifting music, take a shower and savor the sensations of the warm water massaging your skin: do whatever feels right for you.
Share your ideas of taking time for rest, pleasure, and play with other women and ask them what they do to relax. Make it a norm to talk about these experiences with your spouse, family, and friends and what being a relaxed woman means to you.
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When was the last time you truly relaxed and did something that filled you with joy? Schedule an hour to relax and do something you love tonight. Let me know how it made you feel in the comments.
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1. H. Benson, J. Beary, M. P. Carol. 1974. The Relaxation Response.
